


Yesterday's Troubled Water

by veredgf



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Episode: s10e01 My Struggle, F/M, POV Dana Scully, Self-Reflection, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-03-28
Packaged: 2018-10-12 01:07:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10478649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veredgf/pseuds/veredgf
Summary: Takes place a day before "My Struggle Part One". Scully reflects on her life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _The X-Files and its characters are sadly not mine._

 

A feisty gust of freezing air greeted Dr. Dana Scully as she strode out of the hospital's main entrance. She hurried her pace. The staff parking lot was a couple of blocks from the main building. She hated having to leave the hospital building's warmth for the short walk to her car, but being that "Our Lady of Sorrows" was built in the early Twenties of the previous century, it wasn't created with parking in mind, and thus, she had to bundle up the best she could and face the adversities of weather each and every day.

The day after tomorrow was going to be quite a big day for her. She would be scrubbing in on a major ear reconstruction surgery. She and the rest of the team had been planning the procedure for a number of weeks, making sure every minute detail and every probability were taken into account. The goal was a successful reconstruction with as little number of obstacles as possible. She felt extremely accomplished as she walked down the street. She'd had a major role in planning the whole process. She wasn't the lead clinician, but she was definitely one of the more prominent team members and she knew it wasn't just her own notion. The list of compliments and commendations she'd been receiving as of late from various esteemed colleagues just about said it all. If only she'd not been out of the game for so long, she mused. On occasion the fact that at the ripe age of fifty plus years, she wasn't yet a department head, did bug her. It would have been she who'd be leading the team, had she not chosen to give up the practice of actual medicine in order to join the FBI. As a result, when she did get back in the game, she was quite far behind her counterparts.

Some days this fact truly stung. She'd be reading an article by a renowned professor only to realize said professor was in her class back in the day, and what's more, he wasn't even one of the brightest students back then while _she_ certainly was. She could still recall the shock and disappointment of her parents and her various teachers and mentors when she told them she wasn't going to pursue a career in medicine but instead was joining the FBI. She couldn't help but notice the gloating of some of the less successful students who were extremely happy that Dana Scully would not be getting in their way.

Back then she couldn't care less. She was young. The world was her oyster. She felt confident that choosing a unique path would set her apart from the rest of the crowd. She'd always been a curious creature and when the opportunity of joining the FBI was presented before her more than twenty plus years ago, she felt that it was meant to be. She was just about to graduate and she was having doubts about her choice to become a doctor. She wasn't sure it was her own choice. She felt she'd only chosen that course to satisfy her parents and especially her father. Up until medical school she'd always been daddy's little girl just as Bill Jr. was daddy's little boy. Melissa and Charlie were the rotten apples of the family, so to speak. Especially Charlie who seemed to be trying his darnest to displease their dad in every possible way. So of course Bill joined the Navy and she, good little obedient Dana, pursued a serious profession. The irony was that it was her pursuit that eventually made her stray from the 'good daughter' path.

She'd entered medical school, a mere child in many aspects, but she'd graduated a fully-fledged woman. Having an affair with her mentor during those years was actually the real schooling she'd had. Suddenly she got to taste a new enchanted world. While her mentor had originally chosen her because he was excited about Dana Scully, the perfect student, he'd inadvertently created a 'monster' as he introduced her to a new way of thinking and to the ability to question her beliefs. Thus she suddenly realized she'd been shackled to them all her life; that in essence she knew nothing about the world aside from the limited view she'd been given as a child growing up in a strict catholic house. Now that she'd been permitted to taste a new flavor she craved more and she didn't want to be limited to the choice she'd been led to take by her upbringing. No, she wanted to explore new feelings and people and places and when the FBI offer was made, it felt as if it had to be and she embraced it with open arms and nothing her dad, brother, mentor or mother could say would have made a difference back then.

But that was then. She was so young and naive and all she had in mind was grabbing the world with both her arms and making it see that Dana Scully had arrived. The memory of the person she had once been made her sigh deeply, especially when she took note of her current life and how so very different things came to be when compared with her expectations.

Of course, no one truly knows exactly what will become of them as they mature and grow old, but usually there were certain paths most people followed and she'd never thought hers would be so different. Especially since she'd always been this person who stuck with tradition and because even though she had had her little FBI rebellion, i.e., her choice of profession differed from that her parents had expected her to take, it was still a respectful line of work. It wasn't as if she'd suddenly decided to quit her studies and go join a hippie commune of sorts. Even though she felt so good about having her own little say re her life, it was still within the boundaries of her upbringing. It was something she only came to realize a good number of years later, but by then her life had really strayed from the so-called 'right' path that she could only laugh at herself for being so gullible.

As she got into her car and turned the engine on, the car radio started blaring out the song that was currently playing on the soft rock channel. It was _"Yesterday"_ by the Beatles. She wondered if somebody out there was mocking her. Her first instinct was to switch to a different station, preferably one that didn't play any songs, but the lyrics got a grip on her and she found herself loosening her hold on the tuner control button until she let go completely.

_"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away._

_Now it looks as though they're here to stay._

_Oh, I believe in yesterday."_

Did she believe in yesterday? Better yet, did she _want_ to believe in yesterday? Was she willing to go back to that young and naive person that she once was? Some days she wondered what her life would have been like had she chosen differently. If she had never joined the FBI. Her life would have been different but would it have been better?

She realized the answer to her question depended on one's definition of a good life. Speaking of her own life when compared to the norm, especially her current life, it truly sucked for the most part. If not for her job, she'd have nothing at all.

She'd left Mulder, her one true love. She missed him terribly but she felt helpless at his presence. She wasn't able to save him from himself and she couldn't watch him disintegrate into this crazy person and do nothing about it, yet he refused her help and it tore her to bits. So she left him. Sort of. They didn't live together anymore, yet she came by his place every two weeks or so, just to make sure he had enough to eat, and probably to check if he was any better, yet he never was. He barely took her presence in most days. He'd mutter a word here and a word there, but mostly he'd just sit in his 'office' and cut out more newspaper articles. She'd sit by him for a while, then go home. She'd cry all through the long drive back and then some more at home. It would take her a couple or so days to get over every visit to his place.

During those days of misery, she'd find herself mourning for all the losses she'd suffered as a result of her choice; the loss of her sister, the loss of her daughter, the loss of her son and the loss of the intimate relationship she used to have with her mother. She'd long for her father's guidance and she'd curse herself for not listening to him back then. She'd blame herself for all the pain and suffering she'd brought on her family as a result of her childish selfishness.

Of course she knew it was foolish. Nobody in their right mind would even think that a career choice would have such an adverse effect on his/her life and on that of his/her loved ones, and yet she couldn't help it.

She could hear her father asking her: _"Was it really worth it, Starbuck?"_ She could hear his accusation. It didn't help that she knew it was all in her mind. When she took in the sum of her life at that very moment she tried to figure out if it was all really worth it. She was over fifty years old, she was unmarried, barren, her only living child a total stranger to her, her only true love far apart from her in both body and soul, she had no friends and she couldn't even confide with her mother anymore.

But would she take it all back and do things differently? Would she have been satisfied with a mundane life, the one she'd assumed she'd have back in the day?

Despite all the glum thoughts, she'd realized that her answer to this question will always be a very definite NO.

To the uninitiated she would appear out of her mind. After all, no one in their right mind would wish this sort of life on him/herself, and yet, it had to be. She would have never found what she truly needed in her life had she not made that choice. Yes, she'd seen horrors and done inconceivable things and she'd gone through hell but maybe that's what she was meant to do. She would have never craved normality had she not gone through all of that and she would have never met Mulder, or had William, and even though William wasn't with her and even though Mulder was far from well, these two people were what truly mattered in her life right now and she couldn't imagine one where they'd never existed in and it didn't matter how badly things were at that very moment, she was still a person of faith and it was telling her to be patient, despite it all. _Wait a little longer, Dana, and your time will come._

The radio seemed to agree with her as it emitted the first notes of Simon and Garfunkel's _"Bridge over Troubled Water"._ Scully listened intently as the song progressed. Tears rolled down her cheeks, her soul a mixture of sadness and hope. Somehow she knew that despite it all, she will do OK.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> _Written as a result of my own personal reflections on my life._


End file.
